Player: 8-track

Battletech: 90210

This was taken from a series of posts on Sarna Net. Funny and accurate to the Battletech novels and back story.


Cassy Southern on the cover


Victor: Dad, you promised me I could have the Sarna March tonight! I got a date with my new steady girl and I wanna show it off.
Hanse: Now son, remember when we gave you that Battlemech and you let those Jade Falcon hoodlums smash it all up?
Victor: Yeah, but this time it'll be different.
Hanse: I don't want you coming home to tell me that you have smashed up the Sarna March young man.
Victor: But Mom, can't you help me here?
Melissa: Just like your father, the last time he wanted to show me the Sarna March he started an interstellar war! Why can't you be more like your sister?
Victor: But Mom, all she's into is shopping, and nail polish..and
(sound of footsteps down the stairs)
Kathy: Hi guys. I promised Misha and the girls we'd go out and buy a Rasalhague world. Daddy, can I have some power, er oops I meant money....PLEASE?????
Hanse: (rolls eyes) Why do you want a Rasalhague world honey?
Kathy: Cause it like matches my SHOO-OOES!
Hanse:(sighs) OK, but try not to spend more than a trillion C-Bills OK ,Katherine?
Kathy: thank you Daddy(runs out of the house)
Victor: Geez guys (looks to Melissa) I swear you let her get away with murder!
Hanse: This isn't about your sister. It's about you. Now, will you promise to bring back the Sarna March the way it was given to you?
Victor: (sighs) Yes Dad.
Hanse: Good. Now you run off now.
(door slams)
Hanse: What does he see in that exchange student anyway?
Melissa: (shrugs) I dont' know. What was her name? Kurena, Karita, I can't remember..All those exchange students' names sound alike..


Kathy: But Mommy, Vlad's not like the other boys. He grew up without a mom and a dad!
Melissa: I just don't understand what you see in him...Does he have any brothers and sisters?
Kathy: Yes, about 100.
Melissa:My word! What kind of alliance are you trying to forge with him? All he does is run around in those leather outfits calling everyone a freeboot....
Kathy: (thinks to herself: Alliance.....Lyran..Alliance. I like the sound of that) Freebirth! He calls you a freebirth!
Melissa: Well, I know you're no freebirth. That Rasalhague planet put your father's Federated Express card over its limit. Now he's going to have take over another stellar empire and work that much harder to pay your bills. You're going to give him a heart attack if you don't stop spending money like that. No more dating Vlad! I mean it.
Kathy: You just don't see what I see!
Melissa: Oh and what is that? What do you two have in common?
Kathy: The need for power, oops I meant to be understood. You don't love me! I hate you! I hope you die!
(Kathy, in tears runs up the steps as Victor goes down them)
Victor: Mom, what was that all about?
Melissa: It's her new boyfriend Vlad.
Victor: Yeah, I heard he got cousin Phelan kicked out of Wolf High....
Melissa: Now that's not true. He left on his own accord. He had to bring all those refugees over from across the truce line.
Victor: Yeah I guess. But don't worry Mom, Kathy will get over it. In fact she said she was going to hire you a new gardener......


Melissa: So when are we going to meet your new girl friend?
Hanse: Yeah, son. What's her name?
Victor: Her name is O, ah its not that important.
Hanse: Nonsense. What's her last name? Does she come from a good family?
Victor: You could say that....
Melissa: Have I met them, or any of the people who work for them.
Victor: Yup, mom. I know you met them once.
Melissa: At a social function.
Victor: I know you met at your wedding.
Hanse: Great, we'll let him across the border. Heck we'll let them shack up at New Avalon. What do you say to that?
Victor: All I know his her father, grandfather, and all their ancestors would just love them coming to New Avalon. Can she bring an honor guard?
Hanse: (smiles) Wonderful. A girl who respects traditional values. What kind of guard does she want to bring?
Victor: (gulps) All five regiments of the Sword of Light, the Otomo, and a few dozen regiments of conventional troops, and a few DEST teams to help them ah, settle in.
Hanse: Now son, don't you think that's kind of a big honor guard?
Victor: (gettting angry) No bigger than Uncle Morgan's honor guard to Sian.
Hanse: It's that Sarna March thing again! I told you not to break it up and look what happened! Sarna Commonality, Duchy of Small, Tikonov Reaches?
Arthur: Yeah Victor, can't you leave things in one piece..
Victor: Shut up you! I swear, can't we program him to say what ever we want to say....he....(commercial on TV starts)
Repair man: That's our job, son. Here at the Wobbie school for troubled young men we help mold and re-educate trouble young teens to be the leaders of tomorrow. So if you have a young man whose futher is looking not so bright, send him to us. We'll give your young man a dazzling and explosive new career opportunity...((TV shut off))
Kathy: I just don't know what you see in her. Other than you found a girl who 'measures' up!(stalks off camera)
Victor: At least I buy my girl nice things! All Vlad ever bought you was the white bonding bracelet
Melissa: Bonding!!! Is Katherine sniffing super-glue? Is she into S&M?
Victor: No mom, just power
Hanse: (thinks about it) So will your girlfriend be moving near by?
Victor: Her father would probably just like to move in here...
Hanse: Great. Just Great. Pushy In-laws!


Melissa: I don't know what we're going to do honey?
Hanse: About what dear?
Melissa: About Victor and Kathy.
Hanse: Geez, tell me about it. I told that Vlad to get his motorcycle off the front lawn. You know what he did? He called me a solemic, solaran, oh solahma freebirth filth and spit at me.
Melissa: So what did you do?
Hanse: I punched him.
Melissa: So why did we have to have him med-evace'd.
Hanse: (feeling embarassed): I punched him with my Battlemaster.
Melissa: Oh dear. What will the neighbors think?
Arthur: Well mom, the Liaos called dad a vile serpent out to destroy all that differ from him...They called him a bloodthirsty beast...
Hanse: Enough!
Arthur: A vicious betrayer of all the principles of the Federation.
Hanse: ENOUGH!
Arthur: And she also called him the Anti-Christ.
Hanse and Melissa: Enough!!!
Melissa: That will be all, go out and play with your new Enforcer. And no shooting that Ultra-10 of yours in Mr. Kurita's windows again....
Arthur: OOOOOOOhhhhhhhhHHHHHH! (stomps out)
Hanse: What's the number for that Wobbie school?
Melissa: What else about Vlad?
Hanse: He kept screaming something about an invalid trial cause I fought augmented....stravag waste of flesh....
Melissa: That was probably the morphine talking dear.
Hanse: Maybe,(smiles) He did fly 20 meters
Melissa: Now what about Victor?
Hanse: (sigh) Ever since he dated Omi, that Theodore has been in this house. Yesterday, I caught him in my office with a tape measure saying something about pillars of teak and steel.
Melissa: Don't forget about Peter.
Hanse: What's wrong with him?
Melissa: Now honey, remember when Victor got his Victor wrecked int that fight with the Falcon gang.
(Hanse nods)
Melissa: And how that nice Mr. Wolf bought him that great big Daishi?
(nods again)
Melissa: Peter's feeling withdrawn from you since you only bought him a Jagermech.
Hanse: But it's a perfectly fine 'Mech.
Melissa: It's middle child syndrome. He just wants a way to carve his own niche. He'll get over it. But in his defense hon, the Jagermech really sucks.
Hanse: What was I supposed to do? Your daughter bought Australia because the sand matched her hair, the water her eyes, and the clouds her new outfit...By the way, why is she wearing all that white vinyl?
Melissa: It's all that bonding that she and Vlad do....Do you think we could send her to the Wobbie re-education school too?


(scene opens up at Inner Sphere High)

Victor: That ethics test was tough.
Kai: I know. Professor Lewis's test are always murder.
Kathy: Someone say murder?
Victor: (sips his soda) So how do everyone answer Question # 4? "When surrounded by overwhelming force what should a good Mechcommander do?"
Kai: Meet the enemy leader in single combat and blow the pass so the rubble crushes his command.
Hohiro: To order them onward for the greater glory of the Dragon.
Sun-Tzu: To have the enemy troops grovel at the majesty which is the Celestial Throne.
Isis: I don't know....(bats eyelashes) What did you pick Victor?
Kathy: Hire them all gardeners?
Kali: Indoctrinate the enemy into my loving death cult and have them all do cyanide jello shots until they accept me as the living avatar of the Dark Goddess.
Omi: To nobly sacrifice my life for the ideals of Harmony and Purity.
Ragnar: Become their bondsman and get shuffled around from Clan to Clan.
Phelan: NO Ragnar, become their bondsman AND then become the leader of a Clan.
Ragnar: Sorry.
Shin: To humbly ask that my failures be paid for in ritual mutilation.
Galen: O....K......How about you punch out your superior office and get him out of the battle.
Victor: I went with this....To take careful measure of the enemy's power......
Kathy: Did someone say power?
Victor: Measure up how much territory you can maneuver around....
Kathy: Did someone say take territory?
Victor: And usurp their military standing to achieve peace at the barga.....
Kathy: Did someone say usurpation of power?
(Vlad walks in with one leg and one arm in a cast)
Phelan: (chuckling) Overbid big this time Vlad?
Vlad: (angry) Neg. Freebirth! His trial was not valid
Hohiro: I would have only bid my Grand Dragon, but I would of stepped on him afterwards........


Hanse: (to Victor) So how did the big double date go?
Victor: You don't even want to know dad.
Hanse: It's not Vlad again... (stands up)
Victor: Oh yeah, but don't worry. No need for you to restart the Battlemaster this early.
Hanse: So what did you do?
Victor: I had Kai and Phelan hog-tie him and wrap in him up in aluminum foil.
Hanse: Kind of early for a fraternity prank huh?
Victor: (smiles) Wasn't a prank dad. Had to wrap him in foil so he would be conductive, otherwise we could of never fired him out of my gauss rifle.
Hanse: (laughs) Good play son.
Victor: (laughs) He screamed, "freebirth" as we fired him. Wish you had been there.
Hanse: How did Kathy take it?
Victor: Not too bad.After we fired him., she was talking about to get the same guy who made Mom that floral arrangment to do something similarly special in Omi's garden back home...Wonder what she meant by that.
Hanse: So how are Kai and Phelan?
Victor: Remember those Jade Falcon punks who smashed up my Victor?
Hanse: yeah... (looks puzzled) Don't tell me Kai joined them.
Victor: Not really. Kai OWNS them now.
Hanse: Thank God I let Justin have that upgrade, huh?
Victor: I guess. After Phelan got kicked out of Wolf High an got transferred over to IS High, he's punched out one of the tactics professors. Something about not being able to bid his way out of a paper bag. I don't understand all that time he spent 'abroad'.
Kathy: (alternative weeping and yelling) That's it! I've had it with you Victor! You just wait, one of these days I'm gonna send flowers to everyone you love!
Victor: (to Hanse) Well, at least she has her gardeners to make her happy.
Hanse: Strange though, I've never seen her work in the garden though. I brought her a flower pot.....She asked me what it was......
Victor: Is it too early to get an advance on my allowance?
Hanse: Son, I had to sell off the Lyons Thumb to Theodore so I could pay off the Federated Express Card.
Victor: Oh dad.........
Melissa: The strangest thing just happened out side?
Hanse: what's that dear?
Melissa: I just try to use my cell phone and all the flower pots in the front yard melted......Weren't the ones that Katherine bought us?
Victor: Was that on the shopping spree where she bought the Eridani Light Horse because their camo scheme matched her Gucci dress?
Hanse: (sighs) Who knows...Maybe the cell phone was putting out too much power.
Katherine: Did someone say power?


(scene opens to a fight in Victor and Kathy's shared bathroom)

Katherine: Give me back my bonding cord.
Victor: Bonding?? What kind of freakness are you into?
Katherine: It's honest and pure. Just like me.
Security Guard:(off camera) (coughing) BULL$%!^ !
Victor: What's with all the vinyl. I swear, you shine so much that dress must be ablative.
Katherine: Midget!
Victor: Freak!
Katherine: Mama's Boy!
Vctor: Witch!
Kathy: Napoleon!
Victor: Satan!
Melissa: Now kids.....stop this fighting. Really, I don't know what is going on wth you two! I am calling out Dr.Banzai to the house right now! (Picks up cell-phone)
Victor: (runs to the window) Mom, your car just exploded!
Kathy: Look at the time....Got to go.
Victor: Jeez, mom, when are you going to do something about her?
Melissa: She just testing her boundaries, just like you did.
Victor: Ah mom, I tested the boundaries of our relationship, not the boundaries of the stellar empires.
Melissa: It's that Vlad.....What do you think?
Victor: I'll give Phelan and the guys a call....
Victor: Damn! My car just exploded!
Hanse: All that new 99.5 Octane fuel. It has too much power!
Kathy: Did someone say power?
Victor: (speaking into phone) Galen, Phelan? Yeah.....Great....already working on it? Wonderful. Sorry guys got to run...we've "invited" Vlad for soccer.
Hanse: But you don't play soccer.
Victor: I do today.
Hanse: why?
Victor: To quote Vlad we're playing augmented.
Hanse: And?
Victor: We're playing in our 'Mechs.
Hanse: and Vlad.......
Victor:(smiles evilly) is the ball.


((scene opens at Inner Sphere High))

Victor: (groans)Oh no, I got Ms. Waterly for Government next semester.
Kai: Ouch, That's harsh. Doesn't she call your dad the Anti-Christ.
Sun-Tzu: She's not the only one......
((sounds of a scuffle)) ((door slams))
Victor: What the....Thanks, Galen.
Galen: No problem Vic, just saw the problem and thought I should lock it away.
Kai: He has a gift for intel. Maybe you should make that a career after you graduate.
Galen: Maybe.((opens locker)) Hey Vic, why would your sister send ME flowers?
Victor: Lord only knows, just be careful around your cell phone though.
Ragnar: ((running up)) Did you hear?? Phelan got Vlad kicked out of school.
Victor: (looking to Galen) I thought we did that last week.(chuckles)
Galen: No Vic. We kicked Vlad AROUND the school.
Victor: Oh yeah.
Kai: So what happened Ragnar?
Ragnar: Phelan caught Vlad trying to boost his Wolfhound.....
Kai: Uh-oh.
Galen: Oh dear.
Victor: That's not good.
Ragnar: Yup. Phelan beat the snot out of Vlad, strapped him to one of the LRM racks on Vlad's Mad Cat and quote, "gave him immediate exile."
Phelan: (walking up) Not really. He got deflected off the goal post.
Kathy: (enraged) How dare you hurt my boyfriend! (Grabs her cell phone)
(all the guys take two steps back)
(Kathy speaks a few words on the cell phone and runs off)
Victor: Geez, everytime she runs near one of the overhead lights I swear she blinds one of the students with that reflective vinyl dress of hers.
Galen: But she is kind of cute.....
(All eyes turn to Galen)
Galen: Sorry. What was she saying?
Phelan: Something about sending flowers to Arc-Royal.
((sounds of a scufffle))
Sun-Tzu: I am free and the glory of the Capellan Confederation will endure for a thousand years.
Victor: Give it a rest, Sunny boy........
Sun Tzu: No Fed Com trash. The glorious state of my nation shall endure--
Kai and Phelan: Back. In. The. Locker. NOW!
Sun Tzu: (gulps) --for as long as I rule in the locker.
(Galen re-shuts the locker door)
Victor: Where were we?
Galen: Your teacher thinking your Dad only wants to rule the universe with supreme power.....
Kathy: Did someone say power?


((scene opens in classroom))

Ms.Waterly: Alright class, who wishes to read their report on comparative government first.
Vic: I guess I'll do it.
Waterly: (points at Victor) SPAWN OF THE DEVIL!
Kai: Isn't that a little personal....
Kali and Sun Tzu: (points at Kai) SPAWN OF THE DEVIL!
Phelan: Enough you two.....
Vlad: (in a full body cast, points at Phelan with his one unbroken finger) SPAWN OF THE DEVIL!
Phelan: That's it! (grabs his chair and breaks it across Vlad's chest knocking him unconscious; Phelan then takes a black grease pen and draws a circle around Vlad.) I call for a Trial of Grievance.
Ragnar: (to Phelan) But shouldn't you call for a Trial BEFORE knocking someone on their......
Phelan: Nope. Warden Wolf custom. We announce our displeasure by decimating our opponent, and then tell him why he should be spanked.
Ragnar: (writing it down on a notebook) Shoot first, circle later.....Got it...(smiles)
((bell rings))
Waterly: Before I dismiss the class I want you to meet our new exchange student from Clan High.....Mr. Eternal Damnable Beast of the Nether Planes whose name should be cursed throught the remaining epochs of time, would you bring in the student.
Dr Focht: (frowns at Waterly) Was that really necessary Myndo?
Waterly: Blasphemer!
Focht: Fanatic
Waterly: Infidel!
Focht: Lunatic
Waterly: Defiler!
Focht: Witch
Waterly: Despied Hate-monger of all time.
Focht: Wobbie.
((the students oooh at the W-word))
((Waterly sits down))
FOcht: Now kids. this is Asa Taney from Clan High. He'll be here for the next few weeks.
Taney: Someday soon, all of your empires will be part of the Clans. Your parents will serve as bondsmen to me and all my Clan.
Phelan: ((glares at Taney)) riddle me this, riddle me that, whose afraid of the little white rat.....
Taney: (attemps to lunge at Phelan, but is stopped by Focht) Freebirth!!!!!!
Victor: So should we get the soccer field set up again...
Phelan: Nah.....Hey Galen. What's shaking?
Galen: Hey everyone....I want you to meet my new girlfriend...She's outside.
Victor: God knows who you chose after my sister....
(Galen glares at Victor)
(The class goes outside)
Galen: (to everyone) This is my new girl. Cassie, say hi to everyone:
Cassie Southern: Must kill. Must kill. Must kill. (wraps herself up in Galen's arms, weeping..) Hold me!
Victor: O....K....Hi Cassie, I'm Victor.
Cassie: (sniffles) Must...kill?
Galen: No Cassie. Victor friend....Freeeeeeeennnnnnnnndddd.
(Cassie nods)
(Asa walks by giving the Inner Sphere kids the finger)
Victor: Now there's a must kill...
(Cassie's eyes get huge)
Cassie: Must kill???
(looks at Galen)
Galen: (shrougs) What the hell........sure pookums.
(Cassie grabs Asa, shoves him in a locker, jumps in after him and closes the door behind her....All hell proceeds to break loose inside)
Hohiro: Cute girl. (smiles) Where did you meet her?
Galen: At the annual power-monger social disorder mixer.
Kathy: Did someone say power?
Kai: Galen, you have a social disorder?
Sun-Tzu: No, he is a power hungry jackal like the overlord he serves...
Phelan: Do you want to be a must-kill?
Sun-Tzu: (gulps) Look at the time...I got Martial Arts 403...Got to go....
Ragnar: Martial Arts 4...0...3??
Hohiro: Hai. The use of Martial Arts to Spread Terror Fear and Loyalty.
Ragnar: (cringes) Who teaches THAT class?
((more sounds of torment from the locker))
Taney: Mother!
Cassie: There is no mother only ZOOL!
((screams from the locker))
Hohiro: Not sure...Professor Ninyuck, Nunchuck, not sure...
Galen: Ninyu?
Hohiro: (thinks) Yeah that might be it.....
Galen: That's Cassie's ex......
Omi: That explains the social disorder...
Hohiro: Back to that Galen, why were you there,
Galen: (frowns) I keep dreaming of myself in a Star League uniform and every one is chanting for me...JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!. It just weirds me out.
Ragnar and Omi: O....K......
(Kali walks by bumping she bumps him she hisses at him in Chinese)
Victor: Watch it nutball....
Kali: {CENSORED} vile filth. Son of a {censored} dog and a (censored) (censored) whore.
Victor: (shakes her head) Does she still think she's the...
Cassandra: Avatar of death...Yup.
(Victor checks his pants)
Victor: Hey she stole my cell phone!
(Kali begins to run by the lockers)
Galen: Someone stop her!
(The locker opens, one arm grabs Kali by the head and shoves her in the locker, the locker slams shut)
Galen: Uh oh...
(sounds of two women screaming in Chinese)
(Cassandra and Kai blush heavily)
Victor: (looks at Kai) what are they SAYING to each other.
Cassandra: (smirks) Let's just say its not "I love what you've done to your hair"
(more scuffles from the locker)
Kali: 9-1-1!
Hohiro: So what was Cassie doing at the mixer?
(all eyes look at Hohiro)
Hohiro: Sorry.
Galen: We met when she told me how she took out a Battlemaster wearing a cocktail dress....
Kali: 9-1-1!
(sounds of cell phone dialing 911)
((the locker door goes flying off crashing into poor Dr. Marik's face))
Omi: Dr. Marik!
Galen: Cassie!
Cassandra:(whispers) Not poor Kali...(whispers even softer) help....(smiles evilly) help.....
(Cassie and Kali crawl from the wreckage of the locker)
Cassie: (grabs Galen)Hold me!
Kali: I live! I am the Goddess of Death, Worship me you FOOLS!
(everyone rolls their eyes)
Waterly: Ms. Liao, if you'd like I can get you a scholarship to the Wobbie School (smiles, patting her head) Would you like that?
(everyone cringes)
Ragnar: What about Asa?
(Kai offers Phelan a grease pencil, but Phelan refuses)
(Phelan pokes his head in the locker)
Phelan: The rat....went splat!
(Kathy runs up, the reflective surface of the vinyl blinds all)
Kathy: Oh no! I heard Victor's cell phone explode from across the county! Poor Victor is dead!(sobs) WAHHHHHHH!
Victor: Ahem......
Kathy: (looks at Victor, all tears cease) You're not dead...
Phelan: The bomb wasn't powerul enough.
Kathy: Did someone say power?
Cassie: (looks at Kathy)Must...kill?


((Inner Sphere High))

Announcer: Let's hear your support for the valiant efforts of our football team for the best effort against Clan High. Final Score: 85-6. Casualty report: 4 dead, 11 wounded.
Galen: Hey, thet got two field goals this time!
Victor: And the body count is NO where near the last one.
Galen: I hear they're offering life insurance policies for the second string now.
Hohiro: Hai. They need them....We are practically inviting them onward .
Kai: Yeah, those Clanners sure are tough.
Phelan: Hey guys....what's shaking?
Victor: You look bummed man,what is it?
Phelan: (sighs) It's Vlad.
Hohiro: Is he STILL mad?
Phelan: You think he would find it humorous when we replaced his jock itch medicine with the SRM propellant.
Kai: Or the time we hard-wired his Mad Cat to believe it was a quad 'Mech.
Galen: Or that one time we set him up with that blind date with Cassie
Victor: (laughs) I remember that! (imitates Vlad) Who is this filth doing..........(screams) HERE!!!!! (imitates Cassie) Must kill!
Cassie: Must kill?
Galen: (kisses Cassie) No honey. No kill just yet.....
Cassie: Must kill......soon?
(The boys look at Cassie)
Hohiro: Did she learn a new word?
Galen: (smiles) Yup.
Victor: That's the most she's ever said in English since that ZOOL comment with Taney...How did that giftbake ceremony go..
Phelan: That's giftTAKE.
Victor: Whatever.
Kai: Well, he did get incinerated when Victor's cell bomb went off!
Kathy: (out of nowhere): Did I just here Victor was incinerated by a cell phone bomb! Oh no! My poor brother is dead! WAAAAAAAAH.
Kai, Phelan,and Victor: Ahem.
Kathy: Victor's not dead?(sigh) Oh well, got to go. I got to manipulate the media against you. I mean co-ordinate my purse with my shoes.
Victor: (shakes head sadly) What am I going to do with her?
Cassie: Must kill?
(everyone ponders that)
Victor: Nah.....Mom wil take away my Federated Express Card and Dad will take away my PLAY-FEDCOM subscription.
Galen: Have you seen last months?
Kai: No, who is in it?
Galen: It's the girls of ComStar.
Victor: It's got Primus Mori conducting a class on HPG mechanics.
Hohiro: That's not exciting.....
Victor: She's teaching the class stark raving nak.......
Waterly: Silence blasphemer! To speak the name of the infidel who has destroyed our most blessed....
Focht: (over loud-speaker) Attention all students the "Weirdos for Wobbies club" has been disbanded. I regret to inform you that all the members killed each other in internecine fighting to see which sub-faction would lead the group
Waterly: FOCHT!!!!!(storms off)
Victor: That can't be good. Oh yeah, what's up with Vlad?
Phelan: Not much...He wants to have a rumble.
Kai: Augmented?
(Phelan nods)
Kai: Clan style
(Phelan nods)
Kai: MELEE??
(Phelan nods)
Victor: (calls on cell phone) Dad? Yeah, its me Victor. Can I borrow one of the Avalons for a few hours? Yeah, Vlad's sticking it to Phelan again....Really, great. Will you tell the Simon Davion Alpha 4-3-2, by Sierra 1-1-8, -20 degress down fire for effect? Grant, I'll send Phelan and his dad Mom's best. Later...
Phelan: What was that all about?
((Thunder and lightning erupt outside))
Hohiro: What was that???
Kai: (giggles) Space to shore bombardment
Kali: Only a tracherous devil like you would resort to a......
(Galen pulls a shiny ball out of his pocket, bounces it once and then throws it over Kali's head)
Kali: (squeals with de-light) SHHHHHHIIIINNNNNNYYYYY!(runs after ball)
Hohiro: So what are you guys taking next semester?
Kai: Inner Sphere Politics 330. How to avoid interstellar war at the family reunion. Vic, maybe you should take that class too.
Victor: (nods) Maybe.
Galen: Temporal Mechanics 410....How to be two people at the same time.
Hohiro: Modern Psychology 357...How to use self-deception to rule an interstellar empire.
Phelan: Comparative Psychology 402.....How to rebuild a society from the ground up.
Cassie: Interspatial Physics 438....How to modify the modern magneto-hydrodynamic drive into an appropriate inversion matrix to efficently nullify the cross-dementional entry signal of a faster than light vessel
(The boys stare dumb-founded)
Phelan: O.......K.......
Victor: Political Science 371....How to deal with the power-hungry
Kathy: Did someone say power?


Galen: Finaly a weekend off away from the girls to hang out and be guys
Phelan: Aff. It will be nice to enjoy the carnival.
Victor: I agree. Three tickets for the tunnel of death please.
Attendant: I'm sorry sir....You're not tall enough to ride this.
Victor: (angry) Do you work for my sister?
Attendant: No, Spawn of the Devil.
Phelan: Wobbie.
Kai: But, sir. All we want to do is.......
Attendant: The spawn of the defiler is not allowed on the ride.
Galen: You know you don't want to the sign.
Phelan: Nice. Let's ride the COMSTAR ride, they're BETTER(louder) NEWER(louder still)and they're more FUN(nearly screaming) and we infidels can share them with the universe.
Attendant: Begone vile....
Victor: Vile slaughterer of the ComGuards at Tukayyid. Hey Phelan, Alpha Galaxy is planetside, right?
Phelan: (nods) yup.
Attendant: (gulps) Peace of Blake with you......
Galen: O...K.....right. Want to watch some ancient holovid.
(the guys head to another pavillion)
Kai: Ancient holo-drama...Let's see whats on....
(holoscreen comes to life, the audience is chanting JERRY-JERRY-JERRY)
Galen: (Switches off the screen) Moving on shall we?
Kai: What's this thing with Galen and Jerry?
Victor: It's all those flowers my sister is sending them, maybe she wants them to get back together....
Phelan: Won't happen. Remember when you took her out in your Crusader and when the lights hit the cockpit....
Victor: Galen reported he was blinded by a 'white-out"..Totaled his Crusader.
Kai: Bummer. So what's he driving now....
Victor: We thought we'd soup up a Devastator for him...
Kai: Am I the only one driving a light ride
Phelan: Ahem
Kai: FULL-time?
(Phelan shrugs)
Victor: Dude, we're not the Kwisatz Haderach of Battlemech Ops. When's the last time you've taken down something twice your size.
Kai: Well, those five 'Mechs on Outreach.
Galen: We got it.....
Kai: and that Star of Mad Cats on Alyina
Phelan: We got it.......
Kai: and those Elementals, and then going off to Solaris
Victor, Phelan and Kai: WE GOT IT!
Kai: (blushes) Sorry. Who wants grub?
Victor: Yeah I hear the PTA is going to be releasing some new food in school this year...
Phelan: It's got to be better than the MRE's (Meals Repealed by the Estates General)
Victor: I know. Those MRE's (Members of this panel who Really want a copy of END GAME(hint,hint)) were just too brutal
Kai: Tell me about it. One time I ate these 4 MRE's (Melissa Radio-cellphone Explosions) and swear I could benchpress an Elemental.
Galen:I was there..You did benchpress the Elemental.
Kai: (blushes) Oops......
Victor: Don't worry about ...Besides MRE's(Members who Read and are Enthralled by my brilliance (shameless plug) are designed to give you that boost of energy. Didn't we send some to Vlad.
Phelan: (chuckles) but we augmented them....
Victor: How?
Phelan: We spiked them all with methelene blue and ex-lax.
Galen: Which means.......
Phelan: (now laughing) he won't be able to bid a batchall, and if he does.....
Kai: He's peeing BLUE!!!!(laughs)
Victor: (giggling) Talk about PPC piss!
(all the guys laugh)
Victor: C'mon guys! All nighter at my place! We'll power chug caffine and play Battletech all night.....
Kathy: Did someone say power?
Galen: As long as its not Dark Ages. That dial thing gives me the willies.
Phelan: Give it a chance Jerry, er I meant Galen.......
Galen: I'd rather enjoy the satisfying whoosh of an LRM salvo to a crank turn that's all.
Phelan: Are you sure you aren't over Kathy?
Vlad: (popping out of nowhere) Who's all over Kathy?


((Inner Sphere High School's PTA meeting))

Dr Banzai: Good evening, I am Doctor B. Banzai and I welcome you to our event. I just wanted to thank our benefactor First Prince Hanse Davion for adding on our new hyperpulse station research facility...Let's all show our support when the new Ian Davion Memorial "Wobbie Sucks" science station.
((slight applause followed by....))
Romano: Treacherous viper! How dare we applaud one who would shove my beloved innocent boy into a locker. The murderous......
Justin: They still make lockers in your size.....
Romano: Well, I er, ah, death to the great Satan!
Waterly: That's my line!
Banzai: Well, that not withstanding....I would like to introduce our new corporate sponsor....StarClones
((slight applause))
StarClonesRep: thank you everyone...I would like to thank all the lords for their support introducing the new food line in the school, and I'd like to tell you a little about it.
Theodore: Please tell us it's not more MRE's( Meals Rejected by Elementals)?
StarCorps: Nope. We got all new flavors so every house can enjoy it...
Justin: Does St. Ives get a flavor ?
Romano: NO!!!!!! You must not let that Davion puppet state have legitimacy in the snack bar! We will unleash hordes of Death Commandos to stop you. Every lunch lady will feel the wrath of our holy terror.
(Waterly whips out the trademark papers signifying that "Wrath of Holy Terror" is the Licensed Product of the Word of Blake and hands them over to House Liao)
Waterly: that will be one new Division, please.....
Justin: One sec..(grabs a silver ball bounces it once and throws it over Romano's head)
Romano: (coos) SHHHHHHHIIIIINNNNNNYYYYY! (runs after ball)
Justin: So do the Allard-Liaos get a snack?
StarClones: Why not? Half an hour after you eat it, you want to raid your enemy's capital!
Don't forget our new spreadable jelly.....I can't believe it's not Marik. Looks like Marik, spreads like Marik, tastes like Marik, but it's 100% processed vegetable matter....
Waterly: (looks uncomfortable) Look at the to go. Come Thoma........I mean, Come Toby! Hear boy!
(every one looks around for imaginary dog)
Haakon Magnusson: Do the Rasalhague people get a snack bar?
SC: 'Fraid not...The product line was lost to Clan industries in a hostile take over....
(Rasalhague kids sigh)
Phelan: Do the Clan exchange kids get anything?
SC:Absolutly....Solahma snacks.....walk on them, step on them, DFA them! Use everything up to nukes on them! Solahma snacks are durable and can last for decades!
(Phelan nods and sits)
Victor: Well, that's kind of cute... We Steiner-Davions get something nice too, ja?
SC: Jawohl, Herr Victor. Steiner-Davion Ale.....One pint of the brew and you're ready to take on the universe!!! Do we have any Steiners here tonight?
(All but twelve people in the auditorium of six hundreds raise their hands)
SC: Great.....Ah, well, we have some new pretzel flavored......
Kali: NO! We shall have rice cakes emblazoned with the likeness of me.....The one supreme......
Cassie(swinging from a cut electrical wire)....M U S T KIILLLLLLLLL! (catches Kali and flings out of scene)
Galen: She's got to be more careful. Those wires have way too much power in them to be safe
Kathy: Did someone say power?


((scene opens in the Steiner-Davion dining room))

Galen: So who did you guys invite over for dinner?
Victor: Dad invited the Mariks.
Galen : Why them?
Victor: and the other options were?
Galen: (shrugs) Good point. (sounds of limo pulling up) I guess their here.
Victor: (looks out window) Yup, there's Thomas....
Galen: Nope, that one is Thomas......
Arthur: Nope, he's Thomas.(pointing to the driver)
Victor: Nope.......he's the driver. What the devil has gotten into you?? Ever since you went to Wobbie school, your brain has gone right to stone.
Arthur: (thinking) **STONE......DEVIL STONE......DEV-LIN STONE....I like the sound of that (looks at Victor) That's not fair. This one time, at Wobbie school, we were being re-educated, and Ms. Waterly called Blake Brake by accident, and it was soooooooo funny, she got all mad and stomped around, and we just laughed and laughed. It was soooooo great.
Galen: O.....K.......Your parents are cool with me coming over right?
Victor: Kathy brought Vlad. Phelan brought his new chick, why shouldn't you and Cassie come over...
Galen: Remember when she saw your Dad's Battlemaster?
Victor: (wince) Oh yeah....MUST KILL!
Arthur: Well, one time, at Wobbie school, the ROM people were telling us we had to kill everyone, but they gave us all rubber knives to practice, and the blades bent everytime we tried to kill each other, and it was sooooooo funny. WE just kept stabbing one another saying Hail Brake! We laughed sooo hard doing it to....and this one time at Wobbie school(Arthur suddenly tenses up, and then falls to the floor unconscious)
Victor: What the......good call on the tazer Pete.
Pete: (holsters weapon) No kidding. Don't you think they might have gone a little overboard on the re-education there?
Vic: Maybe....Let's talk to Dad about it.
Pete: Why not Mom?
Vic: Mom, Kathy and Yvonne are upstairs getting ready.
((scene cuts to upstairs))
Kathy: I can't wait to marry Vlad. I got this white dress all planned out?
Yvonne: We're not going to have to wear eye protection are we?
Kathy: (frowns) Nope, it will be pure as snow, just like me..
Security Guard: (off camera) (coughs) BULL$#!^!
Yvonne: But aren't Vlad and Phelan genetically linked?
Kathy: Barely, why?
Yvonne: (southern drawl) then you're going to marry your cousin. I thought only people from Arkansas and the Liaos did that.
Kathy: Silence! (tries to slap Yvonne)
Melissa: Break it up! You two are sisters, and when I die, all you two will have is each other....
Yvonne: Don't say that Mom, you'll live to be 100.
Kathy: (under her breath) Don't bet on it.
Melissa: Kathy, I want your word, that when I die, you'll take care of your sister.
Kathy: (smiles) Oh, yes mom.....I'll take GOOD care of my little sister.
Melissa: Now, I feel all warm like a fire.
Yvonne: and I feel all safe like a goat at the altar.
Melissa: Come on girls, get ready.
(back downstairs)
Hanse: Welcome to the house Thomas, so good to have you. The main dining room is down that corridor.
(twenty seconds later)
Hanse: Thomas, how did you sneak by me.
Thomas(#2): What do you mean?
Hanse: (confused) Weren't you just over.....(points down the corridor) Well, no mind there. Enjoy yourself....
(few minutes later)
Hanse: I'd like to propose a toast to Thomas Marik, and to Thomas Marik. May your schizophrenia finally restore all your personalities back into one body.
Thomas(#1): Funny, didn't I see a clone of you running around a few years back?
Hanse: That was a Liao thing, your excuse?
Thomas: (whispers) Wobbies.
Hanse: Did you say Wal Mart?
Thomas: No, that's a different clone invasion.....
Galen: Hey Isis, I am so sorry about you and Sunny boy breaking up...
Isis: I can't stand him! I hope he dies!
Victor: I can power up the Daishi
Cassie: Must kill...must kill??
(Kathy hands Isis a cell phone)
Yvonne: Be careful with that cell phone Isis, something nearby might explode.
Hanse: No kidding, I had to sell most of Melissia to the JAde Falcons to pay for all the exploding cars and cell phones around here...I swear, if we don't stop spending money, we're not going to have the power to run our own front lawns let alone our empire...
Kathy: Did someone say power?
Vlad: (To Hanse) Yes, I would happily take some of your power (To Kathy) and perhaps a little of yours
(Hanse breaks out a grease pen and tosses it to Vlad)
Hanse: Your funeral.....
Vlad: We shall see fre..
(Vlad is pelted by no less than six grease pens and an ancient kris blade)
Galen: Cassie, you throw the pen....
Cassie: (nods) sorry.....(sobs) Hold me!
Kathy: I see you've upgraded to a ball of psychotic dementia.
Galen: Not really, she has layers, and cares a lot about other people....Kathy, do you care about others???
Kathy: Well let's see, my hair dresser, my jeweler, my public relations person, my manicurist, my vinyl salesman, my tae-bo instructor, my.........
Victor: Hey Pete, you still got that Tazer?
Pete: (shakes his head) I'm going back to the monastery. (To Victor) Sorry, its out of power.
Kathy: Did someone say power?
Thomas#1 and Thomas # 2 (together): Yes..


(behind the scenes, pre-production)

Aaron Spelling: Now I want to thank you for a very successful first season of 90210. We have 3000 posts and going strong....However, we need a little more zest in the show...more torrid romance, more mindless drama. As you know, Kathy feels a little betrayed by writing her off to exile in Wolf territory. She feels like she should have had more power to decide for herself.
Kathy: Did someone say power?
Aaron: Ah, right. So to replace Kathy on a trial basis, we brought in this,.....ah, expierenced actress to play Kathy.
(someone enters the cast room)
Tori Spelling: Hi Daddy, er I meant Mr. Producer...I just want to say how much fun its going to be part of the Davion-Steiner family.
Hanse: That's STEINER-Davion.
Tori: whatever. it's just so like(giggles) going to be so much fun to go shoping, and expressing my happy joy-joy feelings about this show,
Hanse: Justin?
Justin: Yes my lord?
Hanse: do you have any artificial attachments in that arm that can shut her up?
Justin(begins searching): let's see. Laser rifle, garroting wire, injector of sodium cyanide, portable HPG transmitter, the key to the greatest treasure in the universe. 200 digital maps of the Liao palace, a couple of tickets to the Avalon Avengers vs the Tharkad Tigers Mech o rama......Nope, boss.
Melissa:(whispers) She dosen't even look like Kathy....more like a.....
Peter: Clan Aerospace gene program gone wrong?
Hanse: Peter......
Peter: Yeah, yeah, back to the monasterty........(tosses the tazer gun over to Hanse) Here Dad, use it on Arthur or the new satanic Kathy clone.
Thomas Marik: Did someone say clone?
Myndo Waterly: Did someone say Satan?
Arthur: Will the new Kathy being going to the Wobbie school too? Cause this one time at Wobbie school we all decide to re-educate ourselves..It was Sooooooo funny. We tried to become more like Blake, but we had no idea. so we laughed and laughed and had such a good time. It was just sooooo...
Hanse: ANYway.....When will Tori be taking over?
Aaron: I though right away. Since Kathy doesn't like her plot line....and she is going through 5 cell phones, 30 flower pots, 3 cars, and nearly 20 kilos of c-4 an episode....
Victor:(whistles low) that's even more than cousin Adam's tacky Tri-Vid show.....Jeez louise, who ever thought all Clan mechs would be green.
Melissa: Shuush you. Adam's just trying to break into the biz his own way....
Peter: Like a Steiner-Davion Kurita alliance....Yeah that would never work. Whoever had that idea must be on crack
Peter: OW!(glares at Victor) What was that for?
Yyvonne: So, ah, Tori....what are you into?
Tori:(giggles) Well, shopping, and my Ferrari and boys and my little pink teddy bear.
Hanse:(whispering to Justin) Didn't you use to drag dead hooker's out of peoples trailers before signing on this show?
Justin:(nods) Yes, my lord....what of it?
Hanse: Feel like reprising an old role?
Justin: That won't be a problem....but how do we get Kathy back?
Hanse: I'll just name her regent on New Avalon. That should be enough power to make her happy
Kathy: Did someone say power?
(Hanse grabs his cell phone and starts to press a few buttons,, Thera and the Red Deltas "WHIP ME GENTLY" begins to play at 105 decibels)
Hanse: WHAT THE.....(shuts off cel phone) What is Kathy trying to do, give me a heart attack, why does she kep trying to re-program my cell?
Victor: It's better than her trying to arrange your garden
Melissa: Or my flowerpots?
Yyvonne: I think I like Kathy better....At least there was some evil I could understand.
Aaron: OK. I just don't think you're giving it a chance....But if you think a little shake up is order....
(Aaron ponders)
Aaron: How about this.....Arnold Schwartneger plays Victor.
(the cast groans)


(pre-production for the second season of Battletech90210)

Ulric: So let me get this straight.....I send all of the active Clans to this ONE planet where we fight a theocratic military and lose?
Aaron:Yup. Catchy ain't it?
(Ulric shakes his head sadly) I don't think that'll work.
Myndo: But it will! Blake's holy vision will not be denied! We will defeat the Clans and then use the majesty of Operation Scorpion to send the universe into a golden age with ComStar at its helm...
Focht: Woman, do you really make this stuff up as you go along? You have GOT to stop havng dinner at the Liao house on Thursdays....Besides, did you even READ the script?
Waterly: Why no heathen devil. I did not. But if ComStar wins on tukkayid, then that means......we win the war against all humanity!
Focht:(hands Myndo a copy of the script) Page 334......READ it
Waterly: Then ComStar wins but Operation Scorpion is defeated by sleeper agents from within and outside ComStar(throws down the book) So what are you going to tell me?
That the First Circuit are really MIIO and ISF agents???
Sharilar Mori: Look at the time......Got to go. Later, Primus.
Waterly:(looks confused) Let me guess Satan....You're going to tell me that you're a Steiner too?
Focht:Well, Actually.....did you get to page 336?
Myndo: NO, Why?
Focht:(sound of a round being jacketed into the chamber) I get to shoot you in the face!
Myndo: They're going to KILL me off? Why?
Hanse: Demographics hon....You only did well in the 25-40 severe right wing, never touched a breast or a football in their life demographic....You even scored poor in the fundamentalist bracket. Can I shoot her in the face?
Focht: Aren't they writing you out too?
Hanse:(shrugs) Yeah, but I go out on a good note. We beat the Clans at Twycross, forge an alliance with the other houses and kick out ComStar...I can live with that on the resume.
Justin: I'm just not too thrilled about getting written off either.
Hanse:Justin.....What's in the garbage bag, and why is your arm on backwards?
Justin: (smiles) As you said boss, reprising an old role......
Aaron:Has anyone see Tori?
Justin: (looks down) NO...I can't say that I've SEEN Tori.
Hanse: (looks at the bag) Justin?!
Justin:(shrugs) I was just going to drop her off at the Liao palace
Hanse: But isn't Aaron going to write a whole re-birth thing for them.....
Justin: Thinking the long term, my lord. They get complacent and then that new Terran Hegemony thing he wants to create eats them alive! Cool idea huh?
Hanse: Yeah, right?
Melissa: Well, at least I survive season two.
Hanse: Well of course, we can't orphan the children....This ain't Party of Five you know.....
Melissa: Thank God, I just couldn't have Neve Cambell playing Yyvonne. That Spelling would have her doing tacky scenes with everyone..
(Aaron begins to re-write Melissa plot line involving flower pots and cell phones) Tacky eh? I'll show you tacky....
Galen: What about the rest of us?
Hanse: It's season two. Re-invent your self kid....Try a new look
Melissa: Or a new name?
Cassie:Or a new personality?
Galen: I don't know.....I'm too young to become a pushy power executive
Kathy: Did someone say power?


(scene opens in Aaron Speling's office)

Aaron: Good evening everyone, I'm Aaron Spelling host, executive producer, director, and lead fluffer for Battletech 90210. As you know we've had some exciting times and we have lost a few good cast members. I just want to let you know, fans, that your favorite players are alive and well. Tonight, I want to take you into a little snipet of the three main charachters that were written out of season two. Let's see howwwwww they're doing shall we?
Tori: (dressed in a LAAF General's uniform) Dadddddy! Can't I be Nondi? She's so empowering! I want to play a serious role! Somrthing people will take me serious......
(Aron grabs a silver ball--the one used in Episode 10. He bounces it once and flings it over Tori's head)
Aaron:(rolls his eyes) Anyway, let's check up on first actor, Hanse Davion. Let's see what he's doing now....
(scene shfts to Hanse standing in the foreground of a battlefield)
Hanse: Hi, do you know me? I led one of the largest combined-arms operations since the fall of the Star League. I turned half of the Capellan Condfederation in to Fed Sun Parking lot--West.(smiles) However, sometimes when I'm invading the Mariks or the Clans, people don't always know my name.....That's why I carry....The Federated Express Card. It's good in all PDZs and recently occupied territories. So if you're looking to expand your horizons by bulldozing your neighbors, don't forget to carry the little gold card with the Sun and the Sword. The Federated Express Card...Don't invade someone's home without it(winks to the camera)
(cut back to Aaron)
Aaron: As you see, Hanse is happy in the commercial biz. He'll have a new infomercial out next month..."Nine planets on just 25 'Mechs a day"(grins) It's exciting stuff.
(shift screen)
Now to our next actor who has decided to stay in the action tri-vid biz. You remember him as that cagey defector-turned triple agent, turned head of MIIO. That's right Justin Xiang is back next fall as MacALLARD!
MacALLARD is a genius man who uses his wits and artifical appendage to beat the baad guy every time. Watch a clip from the premier episode.
Busty Buxom Blond#14: MacALLARD do something!
MacALLARD: What? I built the bridge for us to cross, blew it up, used an auxillary chip for my missle finger to short out its jump jets, and built a locust chassis with the majority of my wrist assembly....What do you want me to do?
#14:(does her best Pamela Lee) Here comes that Toad! EEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK!(begin the slo-motion clevage shot as she runs away)
MacALLARD:(rolls his eyes) (works on his artificial arm...with in seconds has built a jury-rigged gun platform)
BOOM! BOOM! (fires off twin micro gauss shells.....the shells are two of his fingers)
((both bullets leave smoking holes in the battle armor's visor and the Elemental drops dead))
#14: Ooooooohhhhh MacALLARD! You saved me!
Justin: At least until next episode(grabs a plastic trash bag, grabs the girl, and runs off camera)
(back to Aaron, who is grinning madly)
Now to our next actress, Myndo Waterly who broke in to the music buisness with her knew hit single Wobbie-girl!

(cut to music video of Myndo in a frighteningly bright blue one piece bathing suit sunning herslef on the head of a HIGHLANDER 'Mech)

I'm a Wobbie-girl, in a wobbie-world
I get so spastic, if you're not ecclesiastic!
MIIO's in my hair, the Fox is everywhere,
I'd be so proud of another Holy Shroud

C'mon Wobbie let's go party!
Let's burn the blas-phem-ers
C'mon Wobbie let's go party!
Hera-tic! Hera-tic!
(repeat chorus)

We can fight! We can pray!
If you like Blake, I'm always yours.

I'm a Wobbie-girl, in a Wobbie-world
You'll get with me far, if you don't like ComStar.
I'm still a Wobbie-girl, trapped in a Steiner world.
We'll get all tantric, and speak to Tommy Mar-ik.
(music video continues, but mercifully the audio was cut)
(scene cuts back to Aaron)

Aaron: Finally, our last actress, Romano Liao has goten into CHILDREN's programming! She'll be running Mrs. Li-ao's neighborhood on the Spelling Tri-Vid Network.
(cut to the show)

(door opens) Romano: It's a beautiful day for despotic rule, a beautiful day for some purges....Would you be mine, I think you'll be mine...(opens door to get sweater...hidden Death Commando hands her sweater, hidden Maskirovka agent hands her a dao sword) It's a beautiful day for a killing spree, a beautiful day for some murder.....Won't you be mine, could you be mine? I think you'll be(points sword to camera) my victim!
Romano:(smiles) Hi boys and girls!
children:(off camera) HI Mrs. Li-ao!
Romano: Do you know what time it is?
children: YEAH!
Romano: What do we do every morning at 10 AM
children: Torture tests for loyalty!!!!
Romano: RIGHT! But who do we do first? It's already 10:04 and no victims.....
(children make the aaawwwww sound)
Romano: Don't worry kids. Something will turn up.
(knock at the door)
Romano:( makes the puckered 'o' face) I wonder who that could be....(looks in the peep hole) It's MR. Mailman!
(children cheer)
(Romano opens the door to a visibly frightened mail carrier)
Carrier:Mrs. Liao, er, ah , your mails here...
Mrs. Liao:(smiles) I know.....(face turns to demonic visage) but it's 4 M I N U T E S L A T E!!!! ARRRRRRGGGGHHH!(face immeadeately turns pleasant again) Children, what do we do when the mailman's late
children:(cheering) CALL DEATH SQUADS!
mailman: That's really not necessary, please.....don'
(half a dozen Death Commandos emerge from the closet, under the sofa, everywhere to tackle and drag off the screaming mailman)
Romano: Won't that show him boys and girls?
Romano: What would you do if I ever left you?
children: We'd kill ourselves!
Romano:(smiles sweetly) That's so cute,.....see you next time!

(back to Aaron)

Aaron:That's not all, once we write Victor off the show and make Kathy the undispu...........
Tiaret: Neg, you freeborn [naughty]. May your genes infect this planet no more!(she hauls back and removes the third dimension from Aaron's face with a wicked right cross)

((cut to commercial))


(scene opens to the Davion household still in mourning over the loss of Justin and Hanse)

Melissa: You know Victor, your father would want you to take over the family buisness.
Victor: (sigh) I know, but can't I obliterate the Capellans tomorrow. I just don't want to think about it....
Melissa: I know its tough honey, but I know in my heart no one else in your life that you love will die (crosses fingers)
Victor: I know, if you die..It'll become like Party of Five.
Melissa: (shudders) No thanks......What would happen to your brothers and sisters, who would be the drug addict, the sex freak, the degenerate loser, who would be the innocent soul
Vic: Let's see....I end up the brooder who takes on the responsibilites of the universe....Kathy will end up as the meth addict on Melrose FED, Peter ends up as the degenerate who go to the monastery to hide from his past, Arthur(shudders) who knows.....Yvonne?
Yvonne: Yes?
Vic: You've got to be the one who expierements sexually?
Yvonne: But what about Vinyl Vicky over there?
Vic: Sorry, you got to do it...she's into bad boys and power
Kathy: Did someone say......
Vic: ANYway.......We'll hook you up with someone hot this year
Yvonne: (sighs, shrugs) But Tancred and I were going steady, you can't find a man like that everyday.....
Vic: How about Tiaret then?
Yyvonne: Ah, er, ah, no....please(shudders)
Melissa: Was that necessary.
Vic: She should get used to dealing with bad press now.....
Melissa: Hohiro called, said something about getting a command position in the SLDF....
Vic: Yeah, I need to tell him about that.
Melissa: You mean he's not going to be a general in the Star League Defense Forces.....
Vic: Nope head custodian for the Sleazzzy Ladies left Dead on the Freeway.....
Melissa: You'd figure all that dead hooker thing would be over with Justin dead.......
Vic: Remember Sunny owns the house next door....
Melissa: Oh yeah. How's Kai doing?
Vic: He's kind of trying out his dad's arm...But he's in the hospital.
Melissa: What happened?
Vic: Freak finger snapping accident....
Melissa: Vlad will be coming over...
Vic: (smiles) Yup. He's already here....he's helping out with a tribute to Dad....
Melissa: I thought those two hated each other...
Vic: Yup..We strapped him to the heat sink next to Dad's PPC.
Melissa: and.....
Vic: We're given Dad a 21 gun salute......You like your wolf cajun or flambe'
Melissa: Remember, you own the FedSuns now....Don't let that power go to your head
Kathy: Did someone say power.....


((scene opens to Davion castle))

Melissa: Victor, I know you miss your father.....Can't you find a more positive way of dealing with it?
Vic: But I thought the 10th Lyran Guards would like running over a Clan world.....
Yvonne: Well let's be fair, we lost our father...But poor Sun Tzu lost his mother and father the same day.... What about him.....

((cut scene back to the Celestial Throne Room, Sian))
Sun Tzu: Well, mom is dead....Dad is dead......I guess the Celestial Throne is mine....(sigh)
Whatever shall I do???
((song to AMERICAN PIE))
Sun Tzu: A long long time ago.....
Grandpa Max he had a plan
To get the old fox off his back.
So he went and made a clone of Hanse
To put the FedSuns in a trance
And maybe, give the CapCon a little slack.

We made the switch had em 'gainst the wall
Until Sortek came and screwed it all
He took Hanse and he got away..
Now the clone tried to be the king.....
But he couldn't figure out the wiring
Till ol' Hanse got the Mech to go his way......

Now Hanse got more than a little sore....
and he started a Succession War...
Plowed thru us like we were rif-raf....
and he tore the CapCon in half......
Our nation was cut, clean in 'twain,
and Grandpa Max he went insane...
now Romano took the reigns
To save the Capellan state.....

We were singin.......

Now Romano's....shes in charge!
Purging large.
Unfortunatly, she's gone insane....
Now she's gone and got the Mask
To wipe the smirk off Candace's (naughty)
to Bring the St.Ives......back home.....

The Assassin missed, Candace saw red!
Now Mom's got a new hole in her head
Candace taught me not to dally
But she didn't kill Kali......oooh.
Now I'm wondering what will come next
Now that Kai and Hanse are really vexed
Perhaps I should write them all a check
To say Oops....I'm real sorry.......NOT!
We were singing

So now I'm on the Celestial Throne
Cleaning up the mess that I call home.
To get the state back out of whack
Now I'm ploting all new schemes
To realize those special dreams
To maybe give the fox a heart attack

Put Vic and Kathy against each other
Marry Isis (shrugs, pause)...or another
Leave chaos in my wake
And suck up to Word of Blake.....
And now I sit here merrily
To plan the removal of Kali.
And so I sit here and I try
To make....the Old Fox....die!


Sun Tzu:Well, at least mom and dad are gone....I'm in charge...Poor Victor what ever shall he do?

((cut back to Davion palce))
Vic: Poor Sunny, whatever shall we do?
Kathy: Could we send Sun-Tzu flowers?
Melissa: I don't know.....Something a little less aggressive.
Vic: I hate saying this, but maybe Kathy's right on this one....
Flowers might say hi!


Focht: Well campers....I want to thank you for coming today.
I would like to let you know that in accordance with the cultural exchange with Clan high we have a few teachers from there teaching this semester..Would the teachers wish to introduce themselves......
Natasha Kerensky: Greetings, kids. I'm the Widow. I'll be teaching advanced comparative tactics AND modern psych. You'll soon learn to get up to the grade, or I'll bounce ya from the class.
((The second teacher winces at every contraction))
Joanna: I am Joanna of the Falcons....I will teach phys ed. I expect perfection. I WILL demand it from you.
(giggling from auditorium)
Joanna: Who is laughing?
Kali: You're funny......I WILL YOU sound like my mom
(Joanna leaps from the tier, rushes to Kali and backhands her)
Joanna: No contractions! You will think precisely!
(Sun Tzu and Kai give each other a "YEAH, RIGHT!" look on that comment) You will act precisely!
Kali: But I'd.........(Joanna kicks her in the ribs, and she goes sprawling)
Widow: Ease off Joanna
Joanna: Neg, she will learn the way of the Clans, or the Way of Pain!(kicks her again)
Widow: Damnit woman, she's unconscious..I swear we can't take you anywhere.....You know you ARE going to be the death of me (rolls her eyes)
Joanna: (satisfied grin across here face) Does anyone think they got what it takes to knock me down?
(a hand raises up from the back of the auditorium)
Joanna: You believe you can defeat me?
(someone stands up)
Cassie: Must kill?
Joanna: Wonderful! Have at you!
Cassie: Must kill!
(For the next three minutes, all hell breaks loose)
Galen: Ladies! Please stop.....
(The auditorium chants JERRY-JERRY-JERRY!....Galen sits down)
Widow: Ladies! girls! (whips out the Makarov and lets a burst loose in the air) CHILL!
(the two combatants stare at Widow)
Joanna: How dare you violate the sanctity of the circle (rushes widow)
Cassie: Stop fun...MUST KILL! (rushes Widow)
(Three way battle royale ensues)
Focht: Attention security, I need a squad(chair smashes to Focht's left), I need a platoon (table smashes to Focht's right) I need some battle armor....(Focht ducks as Kali's unconscious form flies past where Focht's head just was) Damn, get me the 9th Divsion in the main Auditorium.
(Vlad struts toward the battle)
Vlad: ComStar bids so poorly. Where your Division goes, I can defeat them all alone
Focht: (glares at Vlad) You ain't Phelan, sport!
Vlad: Ha! There are nothing but three freebirths......They are OLD women. (The clan transfer students wince at that comment)
(The battle stops at the use of the word of OLD)
Natasha: Crusader scum! (rushes Vlad)
Joanna: Wolven filth! (rushes Vlad)
Cassie: Mudhead! Mustkill! (rushes Vlad)
(as the women rush in, Victor tosses Widow a grease pen)
EDITOR's NOTE ** The sheer degredations inflicted upon Vlad are too gruesome to be shared here**
(ComGuard personnel storm the auditorium)
ComGuard: We came as fast as we could Precentor....oh my God!(looks to the battered unrecognizable form of Vlad lying in a puddle of blood)
(The women are now talking like they have known each other all their lives)
Joanna: Would you like to transfer to Clan High?
Widow: She's got doubt....
Cassie: Neat! Must kill?
Joanna: Yup, Trial of Grievance!
Cassie: Gree-vence? Must kill?
(the Clanners nod)
Joanna: Yes......
Galen: I'm not sure......
Cassie: More fun! Must kill! (sobs) (grabs Galen) Hold me!


Melissa: You two have just got to stop fighting.One day I'll be gone and all this will be yours Victor.
Kathy and Vic: (together) Don't remind me.....
(Kathy and Vic give each other a side-long glance)
Melissa: When Victor's on New Avavlon, Peter will be regent on Tharkad, and Kathy will run New Avalon while you are here. (looks to Victor)
(KATHY THINKS--NEW AVALON....Hmmmmm potential)
((the scene from Lord of the Rings with Frodo and the Lady of the wood))
Kathy: Instead of a midget there will be a queen! Beautiful and powerful and all will look upon me and love me! Those who will not will only know despair! HAhahaha!
Arthur: Kathy?
((still in Dream))
KAthy: ALL WILL HEEL TO MY Golden Majesty!!!
Arthur: (shoves Kathy) K A T H Y !!!
Kathy: (enraged) what? !
Arthur: (smiling) Were you pretending to be a god? Cause this one time at Wobbie school, HeadMistress Aziz gave us all peyote and told us to find Blake! It was so Funny! All I saw was break dancing Enforcers on Robinson! Then I saw Jesus and I asked him where Blake was and he shrugged, it was soooooo cool. Then Mistress Aziz gave us soooo much phenobarbitol until I came down, but that was OK. Cause because this one time at Wobbieeeeeeeee...(shudders, collapses)
Peter: (holstering the tazer) I can't help the feeling I am going to get in a lot of trouble one of these days messing with a bunch of religious zealots.
Kathy: Did you hear? You get Tharkad!
Peter: Huh?
Kathy: Someday Tharkad will be (crosses fingers) yours!
Vic: Maybe Kathy should get Tharkad
Melissa: Why?
Vic: Cold, white, frigid, pale, suits her.

** sung to VENUS by BANANARAMA**
Kathy on the mountain top
My hair is like a golden flame
Let's get the Lyrans to all hate Victor
and take Katrina as my name....WOW!
I'm gonna rock on!
Tharkad! New Ava-lon!
I'm your Archon! Your First Princess!
The white mistress!

Got to set the boys up right!
Put the people in a trance!
And just when Victor's not ready.....
I'll send Mom some plants! ......BOOM!

Yvonne: Kathy?(snaps fingers in Kathy's face)
Kathy: (sighs) yes? (looks at Yvonne), don't you feel bad about not getting any power,oops...I meant authority?
Yvonne: Nah, I think Victor wil find a way to include me.
Kathy: I'm sure he'll give you a good job
Yvonne: I'm sure you'll do a good job to Vic. (rolls eyes)
Arthur: (shaking head) Whoa! Did I get shocked again?? You know one time at Wobbie school I was told to french kiss the HPG transmitter and I (convulses, collapses)
Melissa: Peter!
Vic: When did you upgrade to the double barrel model?
Peter: Last time I stopped by the Lyran armory. Aunt Nondi was PISSED though. She told me the next time I walked in there was over her dead body.
Melissa: Aunt Nondi was always a little severe.
Vic: I don't know, she doesn't like me either
Yvonne: No kidding, I thought only the wobbies gave you that SPAWN OF THE DEVIL crap. Maybe we should get Arthur out of Wobbie school, Mom.
Melissa: Why?
Yvonne: For starters, he prayed to the alarm clock to wake him up this morning. then the morning calisthenics (mimics Arthur)
2..4..6..8..In Blake's name we violate!
3...5..7..9..Send the Fox's kid a valentine!
It's just too creepy.
Vic: Got to run guys...Going to meet Omi at the Foxhole!
Kathy: But what if something ever happens to Victor (crosses fingers) God forbid!
(the other siblings roll their eyes)
Melissa: Then you would be the Archon Princess

Kathy: Here I sit upon my throne!
I curl up in a ball and coo!
Got to feel bad for poor Victor
Cause now Omi's bought it toooo HA!


Kathy: Oh no! Victor was killed by a cell phone bomb! Waaaaaaahhhhh!
(Melissa's cell phone goes off)
Arthur: IS Kathy psy-chic?
Yvonne: No psy-cho..
Melissa: Yes? Oh, thank goodness. What? Sure, I'll tell her for you....bye.
Yvonne: who was that?
Melissa: Victor. He let Vlad use his cell phone to call Kathy
Peter: (whispers to Yyvonne) No wonder she digs Vlad..It's all the white body casts he ends up in.
Yvonne: No kidding what are we going to do about those two?
Peter: (winks) I'll take the top half, you take the bottom?
Yvonne:(winks) You got a deal...Who'd ever thought we'd be brokering for power?
Kathy: Did someone say power!


((scene opens at Inner Sphere High))

Kai: (To Vic) Why is Galen so down?
Vic: Cassie broke up with him.
Kai: That sucks, any idea why?
Vic: Not sure..Hey Galen, how you doing?
Galen: I'm dealing
Kai: Why did you guys split?
Galen: She saw my Devastator.
Kai: and?
Galen: She dismantled it with her kris, a hibachi, and a lawn chair.
Vic: OUCH!
Kai: What are you driving now?
Galen: Back to the Crusader I guess...Just to be safe, I think I'll get the upgrade.
Vic: Which one?
Galen: flamer, machine gun, AMS...just in case she doesn't want to be friends. She's already seeing someone new.
Kai: Who?
Yvonne: I don't know....Some street kid.. No-good player?
Galen: (nods) Close. Noble Thayer.
Kai: Here they come.....what could they possible have in common
(DJ and Cassie walk towards the guys passing Kali Liao on the way)
DJ: Kali Liao.....hmm, interesting target,
Cassie: Must kill?
DJ: Must kill
Cassie: Must kill?!
DJ:Must kill.
Cassie: (coos) M U S T K I L L !
DJ: (nods) why not?
(DJ and Cassie grab Kali and shove her in a locker...several seconds later the locker explodes)
Hohiro: Great...Another deviant psychopath in the school
Kathy: He's different though...
Hohiro: How so?
Kathy: he does all his killing for the resume'.
Kai: Deviant and power hungry social climber...Is he Lyran?
Kathy: Did someone say power?
Vic: ANY-how.....Is there anyone else out there you're looking at Jer-oops, Galen?
Galen: Not really, and prom's coming up.
Vic: How about Tiaret?
(Galen gulps)
Galen: I think I am out of her league.
Kai: Hey, we're seniors now....what school are you going to next year? What college will you end up going to?
Galen: War college of Tamar. I hear they got a lot better ever since the Wolves upgraded the facility.
Kai: NAMA. I hear they have the best no-win scenarios.
Vic: Nagelring...Family business and all, what about you Hohiro?
Hohiro: Sun Zhang.
Galen: Bless you.
(Hohiro glares at Galen)
Hohiro: Don't you have a 'Mech to re-fit? (hands Galen a wrench)
Galen: Don't you have a dead hooker to bury? (hands Hohiro a trash bag)
Hohiro: Don't you have to go off and be someone else today?(hands Galen a fake wig and beard.)
(The two storm off in different directions)
Vic: Funny, they were never like that at Outreach Prep.(shrugs)
Kai: who could we set Galen up with?
Vic: Joanna?
Kai: I thought Galen was your friend........
Vic: Just a thought! wait a minute....I know what'll chear them all up!
Kai: SIMS!
Vic: (nods) SIMS!

(a short time later at the Davion family arcade))

Galen: Hey thanks Vic...a little Battletech will make me feel better. Weapons free. Anything goes?
Kai: Check!
Galen: Thanks guys....I needed this.

Galen: When I get that feeling I need 'Mech-sual healing.
'Mech-sual healing!
When I'm stuck in that grind,
When Cassie driving me out of my mind!
'Mech-sual healing baby, it's good for me,
'Mech-sual healing, it's something that's good for me!

When Clan 'Mechs are dropping.
and things aren't looking bright
I just button up in my tin-skin!
and give those truebirths a real fight!

Hard lock, take aim, get tone and fire!
My missiles light up the night!

Hard lock, take aim, get tone and fire!
Victor: Double burst of AC does it right!

Hard lock, take aim, get tone and fire!
Hohiro:Send my enemies onward....HAI!

Hard lock, take aim, get tone and fire!
Kai: Gonna kick all your buts tonight!

All: 'Mech-sual healing baby....'Mech-sual baby..........

((several minutes later))
Kai: (sighs) I looks like I won again guys....sorry.
Galen: But how did you get the gauss shell to bounce through my cockpit and into Vic's?
Vic: Yeah, I thought the masse' was illegal in tournament play?
Kai : Well it was kind of like what I did on Alyina, after I dropped my twelth Omni....
Galen: we know.
Kai: and that time I muzzle loaded that Elemental
Vic: We know.
Kai: and when I fired him, I got that triple critical on that Daishi's ammo bay, and when on Outreach when I beat the rest of your scores combined, and when I won the title on Solaris, while stopping my unce from starting the Fifth Succession War, and making that pact with the Jade Falcon while I was learning how to plan the pan flute, and when I was going to be announced to be the next incarnation of........


(scene opens in the Stener-Davion throne room)

Kathy: Damn it runt! Put your uniform on..Mom's new boyfriend is coming over.
Vic: This just doesn't feel right. Dad's body is still on tour.
Peter: Dad's body has been on tour for the last two did they do it?
Kathy: That's because they replaced the normal embalming fluid with twenty gallons of I can't believe it's not Marik!
Aaron: (faced wrapped up) CUT!
Vic: Jesus wept woman! what are you trying to do?! Dad's in a box, Mom's dating again, and you're selling butter?
Kathy: It's not butter..It's processed vegetable spread.
Peter: (shakes his head) Not even close! (points to Arthur) Now that's a processed vegetable.
Melissa: PETER!
Peter: Yeah, yeah, back to the monastery.
Vic: Kathy....
Kathy: It's Katrina, Victor.
Vic: Whatever, you just told billions of citizens in the Federated Commonwealth that the former First Prince has been stuffed with margarine! That is revolting! What in god's name were you thinking?!
Kathy: It's processed vegetable spread, not margarine.
Aaron: That's it! CUT! I am writing Hanse back in the script as of NOW....we're just going to say the clone died!
Melissa: But if it was the clone that died, who was I sleeping with all those years?
Peter: (To Vic) I told you Arthur looked like the mailman.
Melissa/Aaron: PETER!
Vic: Betcha this crap doesn't go on in the Free Worlds League.

Thomas: I have a stable government, secure contracts with practically every house, and a new family who adores me!
What else do I possibly need?
Isis: Dad?
Thomas: Yes?
Isis: Precentor Blaine wanted to see you in the main hall...
Thomas: Good. Tell William I will be there right away...
(Thomas walks to the main hall where music is playing

**sung to addicted to love**
Thomas: (looks in to see Precentor Blaine singing and half a dozen Thomas Marik clones playing the instruments) WILLIAM!
(music stops)
Will: Peace of Blake to you....
Thomas: Enough! I thought we weren't supposed to have the rest of them out of the lab?
Will: who would ever think to use a Marik clone?
Thomas: Just keep it down will ya?
(storms out, heaads to private suite)

**SUNG TO NICKELBACK-"How you remind me"






Wil: Thomas?
Thomas: Yes, Precentor?
Will: Can you come to the main hall?
Thomas:(sighs) sure.
(when thomas arrives, the clones are in moulin rouge attire, doing the can-can on the stage)
Will: What do you think?
Thomas: (buries hand in head) Bet this kind of crap doesn't go on in the federated Commonwealth,

(meanwhile back at the Davion palace)
Aaron: Action!
Vic: Mom, Omi and I are in love..We're going to get married!
Melissa: What would your father think?
Peter: What kind of dishes would go great with the reception?
Melissa: Peter!
Peter: Sorry, couldn't resist... I'm going to get more batteries for my tazer, anybody need something?
Melissa: Aspirin.
Kathy: Power
Arthur: Got any mescaline ...cause this one time at Wobbies school
Peter: to go.
Yvonne: Bet this kind of crap doesn't go on in the Draconis Combine
(after taping)
Aaron: we need some more lustful episodes....Melissa?
Melissa: Yes Aaron?
Aaron: can you make out with Misha next episode?
Melissa: Certainly not!
Peter: Dude, that's our mother your talking about!
Aaron: But she scores so hight in the MILF category
(Victor tosses Aaron a grease pen as Peter hits Aaron with his chair)
Victor/Peter: Trial of Grievance!
(Vlad starts laughing)
Vlad: 'Bout damn time someone ended up in traction around here!
Vic: Tiaret?
(Tiaret walks in, graps the limp form of Aaron and proceeds to club Vlad with him)
Melissa: Oh dear, did Tiaret just kill Aaron?
Vic: God I hope not!
Kathy: Who will run the show while Aaron's in traction. Who has that kind of power
Tori Spelling: ( wearing a Star League fatigue cap, and holding an ancient director's megaphone) Did someone say power?
(cast groans)
Peter: betcha this crap doesn't go on at the SAVED BY THE CLANS set!


((scene opens at the Davion pad, Vic and Galen are sitting on the sofa watching the TV))

Vic: Galen.
Galen: Yeah, Vic?
Vic: Not that I'm complaining, but you haven't left here in almost two years, won't your family, ah er, dude, you get your mail here!
Galen: I don't talk to or see or ever really discuss my parents
Vic: Why not?
Galen: Cause I'm the (makes finger quote gesture) supporting Best Buddy character. We don't discuss my life. Bad ratings
Vic: Gotcha....(smiles) dibs on the remote!

Myndo: I'm a Wobbie-girl! In a Wobbie world!
ROM so suspiscious, if you're not religious.
(now sunning herself on a King Crab)
Cause I'm a Wobbie girl, and I want you in my world....
You'll get frustrated, then re-educated!

Reporter: In other news today citizens of the Free Rasalhague Republic are voting on a referrendum that will change the name of the star-spanning empire. Early pollsters indicate that "Future home of Clan Ghost Bear" has a slight lead over "ComStar Depot North" One voting citizen commented that it was a great day for the Republic
Voter: No matter what happens, white will be the "in" color!
Reporter: Back to you Bob!

Voice: Red Dragons, Yellow Sunbursts, Orange Daggerstars, Blue Fists, Green Swords, and Purple Eagles!
Children: It's Frosted Fractured Sphere!
Voice: It's Successivly delicious!

Romano: Aren't we having fun on Mrs Li-ao's neighborhood!
Kids: Yeah!!!!!
Romano: and if I ever left you?
Kids: WE'd KILL ourselves!
Romano: Sweet, isn't it?
(off to Mr Rodger's-esque castle puppet scene)
Romano: Look eveyone, Mr Marik brought us some hot cocoa...(sock puppet hands her cup and saucer) Wasn't that nice?(sips cocoa then spits it out) (DEMONIC VISAGE) This is COLD COCOA!!!!!! ARGGGGH!!!(pulls out sword,slicing hand off at wrist!(scream)
Romano: Mrs-Liao(sword swing followed by meaty thunk)
only drinks hot cocoa(thunk) HOT(thunk) COCOA(thunk)
HOT(thunk)CO(thunk)COA!!!!!(thunk thunk thunk)

Women: The fragrance of tomorrow...KATRINA-iest!


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